As Christmas Day approaches, I wanted to share a story with everyone
about the wonders of God's ways.
Back in March, still reeling from my
Mom's death, I told my husband that we had to start saving our money for
a trip around Christmas, because there was no way I was going to be
able to cope with being home for the holidays. My Mom and I were best
friends and I just KNEW Christmas was going to be unbearable without her. Hubby and I both agreed that a family Christmas trip would be necessary. My exact words
were "I just can't be in this house come Christmas". God heard me and
took my words and my family's needs to heart. He fixed them in ways that
I wouldn't fully realize until just a few weeks ago when, as I was
re-grouting one of the floor's in my new house, I began laughing. My
daughter looked at me as though I'd lost my mind, which presupposes of course that I
had a mind to lose. She asked what I found so amusing, since we were
both on our hands and knees scrubbing the floor. I told her "We won't be
in the other house for Christmas".
We weren't looking for a house when
we bought this one. It came to our attention courtesy of a friend of
ours who lives in the same neighborhood as our new house and knew we had outgrown our
other house. We had discussed moving with this friend before, and had come to the conclusion
that a house the size of the one that we needed was outside of our
budget at the time. Our new house is double the square footage of our old one and because
of the cosmetic work that needed to be done would be within our budget.
Because of that friend, we were able to get a bid in on the house the
day it went on the market and were able to close on the house within just a couple of weeks. Hurdles came up and were cleared almost as
quickly.
As I kneeled there on all fours, pausing in reflection from
scrubbing the floor, I realized that God had wanted us to have this
house. Our new home was His response to my "I just can't be in this
house come Christmas". And I realized then that while God gave us Christ
to mend our broken souls, He gave my family our new home this year to
help mend our broken hearts. I realized that a miracle had
occurred.....our own little Christmas miracle. Everything about this
house - where it is, how big it is, how it's laid out, when we got it -
fits our needs perfectly. Too perfectly. God knew we (or, at least, I) would need a miracle to get through this Christmas, and He delivered, even when we didn't directly ask for it and then didn't realize that what we were getting was an answer to an unspoken prayer.
I will turn their mourning into joy and will comfort them and give them joy for their sorrow. - Jeremiah 31:13
And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus. - Philippians 4:19
Have faith, brothers and sisters - He is always there, always listening, always answering...even the unspoken prayers. Merry Christmas and may God bless you with Christmas miracles of your own.
Friday, December 23, 2011
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Being a lighthouse for God
Being a lighthouse for God - part 1: God lit the flame
I sit down to write this blog after a long night of filling out police reports accompanied by much wailing and weeping. After just losing my mom to cancer this past January, last night her wedding jewelery was stolen out of my home. This blog came to me while I was sitting at the breakfast table asking myself why such horrible things always seem to happen to me and my family. I seem to be a magnet for all things bad, which I don't understand because I try so hard to be a good Christian...and it occurred to me that I am a magnet for evil because I'm a beacon for God. But why me?
When I was 4 years old, my parents learned that both of my kidneys were in the process of failing. I needed a kidney transplant or I was going to die. My family didn't have medical insurance for dialysis or in-home care, so every day my mother took me to Hope Haven Children's Hospital for treatment. I remember being sent to playrooms while the doctors would talk to my mom, and how she always looked so stressed afterwards. I was put on a transplant waiting list. Every day - back to the hospital for more treatment. Needles, blood work, x-rays.....it never seemed to end.
I remember when my parents told my Grandma Coppage my doomed fate. Being my parents' only daughter and the baby, I enjoyed the role of being a somewhat favored child. Yes, I openly admit to being spoiled. I was also very obedient and was very devoted to my parents and grandparents, which I guess made me endearing. Anyway, my parents were obviously distraught when they told Grandma of my medical predicament, and she cried for a few minutes. But then she did something that I've only ever seen Grandma do. She pulled herself together, smiled at my parents, patted their hands, and told them not to worry because God would take care of this. I have only ever seen Grandma be able to completely and wholeheartedly turn things over to God the way she did. Complete and total faith. That woman was an angel walking among us.
Grandma arranged for a special prayer meeting to be held at her church and everyone in our small-town community came. I remember this because it scared me half out of my wits. Grandma told me very simply to sit quietly and to try to stay still because all of these people were going to be thinking good thoughts about me to God to try to make me better. All I knew was that a whole bunch of strangers were crowded around me, some of them putting their hands on my head or my arms, and I was EXTREMELY uncomfortable. After the prayer service, I received many hugs and Grandma was made to promise everyone how my treatments progressed. I complained to Grandma on the way home that I didn't feel any different. Grandma just laughed and said to be patient, God works in His time, not ours.
At my hospital visit the next day, my mom and I were there twice as long. I wasn't scheduled for x-rays that day but I got them anyway - emergency x-rays. At first they wouldn't tell my mom what was going on. They talked about hospitalizing me for 'observation'. Finally my mom demanded to be told what exactly was happening. The doctors sat my mom down and told her that my kidneys were working PERFECTLY! My mom almost started crying, but she wasn't the crying type so she quickly got a handle on that and asked why this was alarming and not good news.The doctors explained that they were concerned that it might be an indicator that my kidneys were imminently about to fail and this sudden, flawless functioning could be sort of their last "hoorah", kind of like a hospice patient's burst of energy right before the end. My mom became very serious and asked what could be done for me in the hospital if my kidneys failed. The doctor took a deep breath and said quietly that they could make me more comfortable and could put me on machines until all of the family could gather. My mom squared her shoulders, took a deep breath, and said, "If she's going to go, she's going to go at home with me and her father beside her." The doctor nodded, scheduled our appointment for earlier than normal the next day, and we left. That night I got whatever I wanted. My mom and I stopped for Krystal burgers and fries on the way home and I fed some (most) of my fries to the pigeons. Looking back now I remember that mom watched me as though she was acid-etching every move I made into her memory, as though those memories would be the last she had of me. I wonder if it's the same look I had on my face when I helped care for her as she was dying of cancer.....but I digress. We had fried chicken and mashed potatoes for dinner that night - my favorite. I got to see all of my grandparents. Even my brothers were nice to me. It was like Christmas! My Grandma Coppage kept telling my parents not to worry. "God has special plans for that child." she kept telling them. When I finally fell asleep that night it was with my entire family, parents and brothers and grandparents alike, around me.
I awoke to a mood that can only be described as frantically hopeful. My mom couldn't get me to the hospital fast enough for my appointment. The doctors were equally frantic. There would be no waiting today. I was immediately whisked back for testing and it was a repeat of the day before - test after test after test- all with the same results. My kidneys had begun to function perfectly and normally on their own with no obvious explanation. The doctors were mystified. Just to be on the safe side, though, they had me come back every day for a month and then intermittently for several more months. To this day, I have had no further problems with my kidneys and I'm almost 36 years old now.
So what happened that night during the prayer service? Was it a fluke? Was it chance? Or was it a miracle? I'll tell you what happened....God lit a flame.
Being a lighthouse for God - part 2: a beacon for all things, good or evil
I feel like God put His hand on me that night and said, "Go, child, into the world and shine with all of My goodness so that others will see and open their hearts to Me." And by healing me it was like He put a mark on my forehead that said "product of God", or perhaps even "future soldier for God". He made me a sign of His awesome power and mercy and a beacon to others. And I love this. I love knowing that I have the opportunity to help others find God and get to know Christ on a more personal level. I love being a beacon of light for Him. But you know what? If the good can find me then so can the bad. In the battle of good versus evil, what am I doing? I'm pinging the enemy's sonar, saying "Here I am!!"
By shining God 's light into the world I am a beacon to others, for good or for bad. A wise priest once told me that the people who have the most difficulty in their lives are the ones trying the hardest to do God's Will, because those are the people that Satan is fighting the hardest against. Translate that to the topic of this blog....the brighter your light shines, the more evil will find you. As a member of God's army I've got a target painted right on my forehead.
So what do you do? Do you turn out the light? Let any ships in the harbor run aground on the rocks? Continue shining and pray for more fuel?
I turned to the Lighthouse Keepers' Guidebook (aka the Bible) and looked for a verse that might get me through this tough time. The Book of Isaiah came through - chapter 41, verse 10:
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (NIV)
And God does work miracles, even if they're not the answers that we want. He does hold us up, and He comforts us in ways that may seem simple and trite to others and could easily go unnoticed. As I was double-checking my chapter and verse for the Book of Isaiah quote above, the web page I was on had a link at the bottom that said "Bible verses for those coping with loss". Seeing as how this entire blog came about as a result of the loss of my mother's jewelry, and the fact that I'm currently having trouble coping with her death, I clicked on the link. This is what I found:
"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those who are crushed in spirit."
Psalm 34:18 (NLT)
This was the first verse on the page. This brought me peace. The next verse just about brought me to my knees.....
"The unfailing love of the LORD never ends! By his mercies we have been kept from complete destruction. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each day. I say to myself, 'The LORD is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!'"
Lamentations 3:22-24 (NLT)
"The Lord is my inheritance..."......
Being a lighthouse for God - part 3: My inheritance
Those rings were my inheritance............but they were just rings. Yes, they were extremely valuable financially. Yes, they were even more valuable because of the sentimental element involved. But those rings won't get me into or keep me out of Heaven - and that's where God, Christ, and my mom are waiting for me.
Why am I sweating over the rings when one day I'll be back with the person who used to wear them? It's not like I can take them with me. Does it still make me angry that they were stolen? You better believe it. Do I still think very un-Christian-like thoughts about the person who took them? Ohhhh yeah! Do I still miss them? So much it makes me sick to my stomach. But in the bigger picture of things, I'm realizing that they were merely items I'd clung to because of the connection they held to my mom. What I need to hold onto now is the knowledge that I inherited the Lord and I need no greater connection than that.......mom is with Him and one day, when it is my time, I will be too. Then, all of these trinkets and baubles I've kept to remember her by will be unnecessary and meaningless. The Lord is my inheritance, and with Him comes rewards greater than any jewel this world can offer.
The light that God lit in me may have been flickering yesterday, but it's shining now and getting brighter. Satan can send his army all he wants. This little light of mine, I'm going to let it shine.....and it's going to shine as bright as it can. My light may flicker, and it may dim occasionally as I deal with Satan's forces, but there is nothing that Satan can do to me or take from me that will make me turn out the light that God lit. I will be a lighthouse for God, showing others the wonders of God's power and mercy, and hopefully leading them out of the darkness, for as long as I live. Because no matter what Satan does to me, he can't take away the inheritance that my Father has already given me.
I sit down to write this blog after a long night of filling out police reports accompanied by much wailing and weeping. After just losing my mom to cancer this past January, last night her wedding jewelery was stolen out of my home. This blog came to me while I was sitting at the breakfast table asking myself why such horrible things always seem to happen to me and my family. I seem to be a magnet for all things bad, which I don't understand because I try so hard to be a good Christian...and it occurred to me that I am a magnet for evil because I'm a beacon for God. But why me?
When I was 4 years old, my parents learned that both of my kidneys were in the process of failing. I needed a kidney transplant or I was going to die. My family didn't have medical insurance for dialysis or in-home care, so every day my mother took me to Hope Haven Children's Hospital for treatment. I remember being sent to playrooms while the doctors would talk to my mom, and how she always looked so stressed afterwards. I was put on a transplant waiting list. Every day - back to the hospital for more treatment. Needles, blood work, x-rays.....it never seemed to end.
I remember when my parents told my Grandma Coppage my doomed fate. Being my parents' only daughter and the baby, I enjoyed the role of being a somewhat favored child. Yes, I openly admit to being spoiled. I was also very obedient and was very devoted to my parents and grandparents, which I guess made me endearing. Anyway, my parents were obviously distraught when they told Grandma of my medical predicament, and she cried for a few minutes. But then she did something that I've only ever seen Grandma do. She pulled herself together, smiled at my parents, patted their hands, and told them not to worry because God would take care of this. I have only ever seen Grandma be able to completely and wholeheartedly turn things over to God the way she did. Complete and total faith. That woman was an angel walking among us.
Grandma arranged for a special prayer meeting to be held at her church and everyone in our small-town community came. I remember this because it scared me half out of my wits. Grandma told me very simply to sit quietly and to try to stay still because all of these people were going to be thinking good thoughts about me to God to try to make me better. All I knew was that a whole bunch of strangers were crowded around me, some of them putting their hands on my head or my arms, and I was EXTREMELY uncomfortable. After the prayer service, I received many hugs and Grandma was made to promise everyone how my treatments progressed. I complained to Grandma on the way home that I didn't feel any different. Grandma just laughed and said to be patient, God works in His time, not ours.
At my hospital visit the next day, my mom and I were there twice as long. I wasn't scheduled for x-rays that day but I got them anyway - emergency x-rays. At first they wouldn't tell my mom what was going on. They talked about hospitalizing me for 'observation'. Finally my mom demanded to be told what exactly was happening. The doctors sat my mom down and told her that my kidneys were working PERFECTLY! My mom almost started crying, but she wasn't the crying type so she quickly got a handle on that and asked why this was alarming and not good news.The doctors explained that they were concerned that it might be an indicator that my kidneys were imminently about to fail and this sudden, flawless functioning could be sort of their last "hoorah", kind of like a hospice patient's burst of energy right before the end. My mom became very serious and asked what could be done for me in the hospital if my kidneys failed. The doctor took a deep breath and said quietly that they could make me more comfortable and could put me on machines until all of the family could gather. My mom squared her shoulders, took a deep breath, and said, "If she's going to go, she's going to go at home with me and her father beside her." The doctor nodded, scheduled our appointment for earlier than normal the next day, and we left. That night I got whatever I wanted. My mom and I stopped for Krystal burgers and fries on the way home and I fed some (most) of my fries to the pigeons. Looking back now I remember that mom watched me as though she was acid-etching every move I made into her memory, as though those memories would be the last she had of me. I wonder if it's the same look I had on my face when I helped care for her as she was dying of cancer.....but I digress. We had fried chicken and mashed potatoes for dinner that night - my favorite. I got to see all of my grandparents. Even my brothers were nice to me. It was like Christmas! My Grandma Coppage kept telling my parents not to worry. "God has special plans for that child." she kept telling them. When I finally fell asleep that night it was with my entire family, parents and brothers and grandparents alike, around me.
I awoke to a mood that can only be described as frantically hopeful. My mom couldn't get me to the hospital fast enough for my appointment. The doctors were equally frantic. There would be no waiting today. I was immediately whisked back for testing and it was a repeat of the day before - test after test after test- all with the same results. My kidneys had begun to function perfectly and normally on their own with no obvious explanation. The doctors were mystified. Just to be on the safe side, though, they had me come back every day for a month and then intermittently for several more months. To this day, I have had no further problems with my kidneys and I'm almost 36 years old now.
So what happened that night during the prayer service? Was it a fluke? Was it chance? Or was it a miracle? I'll tell you what happened....God lit a flame.
Being a lighthouse for God - part 2: a beacon for all things, good or evil
I feel like God put His hand on me that night and said, "Go, child, into the world and shine with all of My goodness so that others will see and open their hearts to Me." And by healing me it was like He put a mark on my forehead that said "product of God", or perhaps even "future soldier for God". He made me a sign of His awesome power and mercy and a beacon to others. And I love this. I love knowing that I have the opportunity to help others find God and get to know Christ on a more personal level. I love being a beacon of light for Him. But you know what? If the good can find me then so can the bad. In the battle of good versus evil, what am I doing? I'm pinging the enemy's sonar, saying "Here I am!!"
By shining God 's light into the world I am a beacon to others, for good or for bad. A wise priest once told me that the people who have the most difficulty in their lives are the ones trying the hardest to do God's Will, because those are the people that Satan is fighting the hardest against. Translate that to the topic of this blog....the brighter your light shines, the more evil will find you. As a member of God's army I've got a target painted right on my forehead.
So what do you do? Do you turn out the light? Let any ships in the harbor run aground on the rocks? Continue shining and pray for more fuel?
I turned to the Lighthouse Keepers' Guidebook (aka the Bible) and looked for a verse that might get me through this tough time. The Book of Isaiah came through - chapter 41, verse 10:
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (NIV)
And God does work miracles, even if they're not the answers that we want. He does hold us up, and He comforts us in ways that may seem simple and trite to others and could easily go unnoticed. As I was double-checking my chapter and verse for the Book of Isaiah quote above, the web page I was on had a link at the bottom that said "Bible verses for those coping with loss". Seeing as how this entire blog came about as a result of the loss of my mother's jewelry, and the fact that I'm currently having trouble coping with her death, I clicked on the link. This is what I found:
"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those who are crushed in spirit."
Psalm 34:18 (NLT)
This was the first verse on the page. This brought me peace. The next verse just about brought me to my knees.....
"The unfailing love of the LORD never ends! By his mercies we have been kept from complete destruction. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each day. I say to myself, 'The LORD is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!'"
Lamentations 3:22-24 (NLT)
"The Lord is my inheritance..."......
Being a lighthouse for God - part 3: My inheritance
Those rings were my inheritance............but they were just rings. Yes, they were extremely valuable financially. Yes, they were even more valuable because of the sentimental element involved. But those rings won't get me into or keep me out of Heaven - and that's where God, Christ, and my mom are waiting for me.
Why am I sweating over the rings when one day I'll be back with the person who used to wear them? It's not like I can take them with me. Does it still make me angry that they were stolen? You better believe it. Do I still think very un-Christian-like thoughts about the person who took them? Ohhhh yeah! Do I still miss them? So much it makes me sick to my stomach. But in the bigger picture of things, I'm realizing that they were merely items I'd clung to because of the connection they held to my mom. What I need to hold onto now is the knowledge that I inherited the Lord and I need no greater connection than that.......mom is with Him and one day, when it is my time, I will be too. Then, all of these trinkets and baubles I've kept to remember her by will be unnecessary and meaningless. The Lord is my inheritance, and with Him comes rewards greater than any jewel this world can offer.
The light that God lit in me may have been flickering yesterday, but it's shining now and getting brighter. Satan can send his army all he wants. This little light of mine, I'm going to let it shine.....and it's going to shine as bright as it can. My light may flicker, and it may dim occasionally as I deal with Satan's forces, but there is nothing that Satan can do to me or take from me that will make me turn out the light that God lit. I will be a lighthouse for God, showing others the wonders of God's power and mercy, and hopefully leading them out of the darkness, for as long as I live. Because no matter what Satan does to me, he can't take away the inheritance that my Father has already given me.
Anchors and Dinghies
Part 1: When achors are rocked loose
There are many analogies that have been used to describe life and people. When one thinks of a life analogy the first thing that comes to the minds of many is the famous "Life is like a box of chocolates...." from Forrest Gump. Truth is though, analogies help us to better understand and grasp the things that are going on around us and in our lives. It helps us to come to terms with things we may not want to deal with, or may not know how to cope with.
After my mom died last January, I knew eventually my step-dad would start dating and I was going to have to be prepared to explain this to my three children. My biological dad died when two of my kids were young, before the third was even thought of, so my step-dad is the only grandfather they've really known. I wasn't sure how to explain to them my step-dad's need to find a companion, since I wasn't sure they would fully understand the concept of loneliness. This is what I told them:
"There are two types of people in the world - there are anchors and then there are dinghies." And this is where I paused for them to stop laughing. "Do you know what a dinghy is, really? A dinghy is a small boat with no anchor that gets towed along behind a larger boat that has an anchor." The kids nodded and said they got that part, but didn't see how it applied to people.
"People who are anchors are okay living by themselves and can make it just fine on their own. Being with someone is a choice, not a necessity. They can make it through life holding their own in the sea of life and stay on course. But then you have people who are dinghies. Without an anchor, dinghies will drift astray and can't really find a sense of purpose or direction. Dinghies have to have an anchor or they'll get lost in the world."
There was a brief pause and then my oldest son said, "So, Grandpa's a dinghy?" to which everyone laughed and the subject was changed. It was clear they understood the message and that was the goal of the conversation so the topic was closed, or so I thought. Several months later this analogy came up again and this time stuck in my mind with the echo of a question. I was telling the analogy to a friend who, after learning about my step-dad's new relationship, asked me why it seemed so easy for him to move on while I was still having so much trouble coping with my mother's passing. I told her the "anchor and dinghy" analogy and summed it up with "he's a dinghy" and thought that was it. But a question began forming in the back of my mind....what happens when anchors are rocked loose?
Part 2: Getting a grip
Anchors are supposed to dig into the sand and hold you in place, they keep you from wandering and drifting, and more than anything they secure you. People who are anchors do this for themselves and for those around them. But sometimes, anchors are set adrift....they come loose...knocked unsteady by a strong wave or an underwater current.
As I thought about this I realized that this was me....I was an anchor who had been knocked loose by the rogue wave of my mother's death. I was drifting and couldn't find my grasp on life no matter how hard I tried. I was raking along the bottom of the ocean floor, unable to grab onto anything to hold myself into place. I tried to anchor myself onto the anchors in my life, but this started to pull them adrift with me. This, sadly, created a ripple effect. All of the "dinghies" in my life were suddenly unsettled and also started to drift. The anchors closest to me became unsettled and their hold on the sea floor became tenuous. The seas of life became choppy and the horizon appeared bleak. Something had to change. But what? How?
Now, this is where the more fundamental Christian would say "let Jesus be your anchor!" I'm sorry, this is a great thought, and my faith is there, but in practical application this is easier said than done. I knew the answers to my questions were going to require time, patience, soul-searching, and faith......a perfect storm of positivity to counter the rogue wave that had set me adrift in the first place.
I know God often works in mysterious ways, but my answers came in a most unexpected manner - another loss. Not long after writing the material above (like, within a couple of weeks), my mother's jewelry was stolen by a contractor doing work in my home. I was devastated, and even posted as my Facebook status that it was as though Mom was being ripped away from me all over again. The night I found her wedding rings missing I hit rock bottom...my ship crashed on the sharp rocks of the craggy coastline. If I was adrift before, I was spiraling down a whirlpool into an abyss that night. All I could think was, "I'm sorry, Mom....I'm so sorry." I felt like I'd let her down. My step-dad called me to tell me that it was okay, not to be upset, but I didn't take his call. My husband tried to comfort me, my daughter tried to comfort me, the police assured me that they would do everything they could to get her jewelry back, but I was inconsolable. I went to bed that night begging for sleep to take me quickly. I wanted darkness, numbness, an escape from the blanket of pain that was threatening to suffocate me.
I woke up the next morning angry. I wanted to burn down the world and spit in the ashes. Over breakfast that morning, I thought about how bad things kept happening to me and wondering why. The resulting blog, Being a Lighthouse for God, talked about how I seemed to be a magnet for drama and evil because I'm a Christian....I let God's light shine through me and evil seeks me like a moth to a flame. I am stalked by evil not because I'm a bad person, on the contrary, because I'm such a good person. While (hopefully) being a message to others, the blog post was a catharsis for me.....it allowed me to finally wrap my head around why my life has been nothing but one soap opera after another, why I have more drama happen in one week of my life than normally occurs in an entire season of whatever the latest teeny-bopper sitcom is, and why I can still pick myself up and move on through all of it. It was release and acceptance all in one, but in the process of writing that glorious release, something happened....an unexpected epiphany.
As I was typing this line about my mom's bridal set that was stolen...... "Those rings were my inheritance............"......something was stirring under the water's surface....."but they were just rings. Yes, they were extremely valuable financially. Yes, they were even more valuable because of the sentimental element involved. But those rings won't get me into or keep me out of Heaven ".....I could feel that something significant was brewing......".... and that's where God, Christ, and my mom are waiting for me.".......
CLICK! That, boys and girls, was the sound of an anchor catching on something. After I typed that statement, I had to stop for a few minutes. I read it, re-read it, and re-read it again and again - and the more I did so the more secure I felt in my holding. I wasn't drifting anymore. Yeah, Mom was gone, but not forever. Yes, the rogue wave of her passing had rocked me loose from the hold I had on life. But there is another life waiting for me after this one where she's waiting for me, where my dad is waiting for me, where my grandparents are waiting for me, where God is waiting for me, where ALL the people I love who aren't in this world are waiting for me......all I have to do is be patient.....keep on sailing for just a little while longer. That was all this anchor needed - hope for the things that faith tells me are coming in the life after this one. Hope. Faith. These are the rocks to which this anchor clings.
I know there will still be rough times ahead - Christmas, the anniversary of her death, her birthday, etc. - but I think the worst is behind me. I may get rocked loose by rogue waves in the future, but they won't be because of Mom, and learning how to "get a grip" from this one may come in useful when the next wave hits. I just have to remember that this world is transitory. The problems here are temporary, the joys there will be permanent and everlasting. All I have to do is be patient, bide my time, and wait until the day when I am called to my true home with the Emperor Over The Sea.
Until then, Mom....save a place for me.
But the eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love... - Psalm 33:18
Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. - Romans 12:12
..but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. - Isaiah 40:31 NIV
There are many analogies that have been used to describe life and people. When one thinks of a life analogy the first thing that comes to the minds of many is the famous "Life is like a box of chocolates...." from Forrest Gump. Truth is though, analogies help us to better understand and grasp the things that are going on around us and in our lives. It helps us to come to terms with things we may not want to deal with, or may not know how to cope with.
After my mom died last January, I knew eventually my step-dad would start dating and I was going to have to be prepared to explain this to my three children. My biological dad died when two of my kids were young, before the third was even thought of, so my step-dad is the only grandfather they've really known. I wasn't sure how to explain to them my step-dad's need to find a companion, since I wasn't sure they would fully understand the concept of loneliness. This is what I told them:
"There are two types of people in the world - there are anchors and then there are dinghies." And this is where I paused for them to stop laughing. "Do you know what a dinghy is, really? A dinghy is a small boat with no anchor that gets towed along behind a larger boat that has an anchor." The kids nodded and said they got that part, but didn't see how it applied to people.
"People who are anchors are okay living by themselves and can make it just fine on their own. Being with someone is a choice, not a necessity. They can make it through life holding their own in the sea of life and stay on course. But then you have people who are dinghies. Without an anchor, dinghies will drift astray and can't really find a sense of purpose or direction. Dinghies have to have an anchor or they'll get lost in the world."
There was a brief pause and then my oldest son said, "So, Grandpa's a dinghy?" to which everyone laughed and the subject was changed. It was clear they understood the message and that was the goal of the conversation so the topic was closed, or so I thought. Several months later this analogy came up again and this time stuck in my mind with the echo of a question. I was telling the analogy to a friend who, after learning about my step-dad's new relationship, asked me why it seemed so easy for him to move on while I was still having so much trouble coping with my mother's passing. I told her the "anchor and dinghy" analogy and summed it up with "he's a dinghy" and thought that was it. But a question began forming in the back of my mind....what happens when anchors are rocked loose?
Part 2: Getting a grip
Anchors are supposed to dig into the sand and hold you in place, they keep you from wandering and drifting, and more than anything they secure you. People who are anchors do this for themselves and for those around them. But sometimes, anchors are set adrift....they come loose...knocked unsteady by a strong wave or an underwater current.
As I thought about this I realized that this was me....I was an anchor who had been knocked loose by the rogue wave of my mother's death. I was drifting and couldn't find my grasp on life no matter how hard I tried. I was raking along the bottom of the ocean floor, unable to grab onto anything to hold myself into place. I tried to anchor myself onto the anchors in my life, but this started to pull them adrift with me. This, sadly, created a ripple effect. All of the "dinghies" in my life were suddenly unsettled and also started to drift. The anchors closest to me became unsettled and their hold on the sea floor became tenuous. The seas of life became choppy and the horizon appeared bleak. Something had to change. But what? How?
Now, this is where the more fundamental Christian would say "let Jesus be your anchor!" I'm sorry, this is a great thought, and my faith is there, but in practical application this is easier said than done. I knew the answers to my questions were going to require time, patience, soul-searching, and faith......a perfect storm of positivity to counter the rogue wave that had set me adrift in the first place.
I know God often works in mysterious ways, but my answers came in a most unexpected manner - another loss. Not long after writing the material above (like, within a couple of weeks), my mother's jewelry was stolen by a contractor doing work in my home. I was devastated, and even posted as my Facebook status that it was as though Mom was being ripped away from me all over again. The night I found her wedding rings missing I hit rock bottom...my ship crashed on the sharp rocks of the craggy coastline. If I was adrift before, I was spiraling down a whirlpool into an abyss that night. All I could think was, "I'm sorry, Mom....I'm so sorry." I felt like I'd let her down. My step-dad called me to tell me that it was okay, not to be upset, but I didn't take his call. My husband tried to comfort me, my daughter tried to comfort me, the police assured me that they would do everything they could to get her jewelry back, but I was inconsolable. I went to bed that night begging for sleep to take me quickly. I wanted darkness, numbness, an escape from the blanket of pain that was threatening to suffocate me.
I woke up the next morning angry. I wanted to burn down the world and spit in the ashes. Over breakfast that morning, I thought about how bad things kept happening to me and wondering why. The resulting blog, Being a Lighthouse for God, talked about how I seemed to be a magnet for drama and evil because I'm a Christian....I let God's light shine through me and evil seeks me like a moth to a flame. I am stalked by evil not because I'm a bad person, on the contrary, because I'm such a good person. While (hopefully) being a message to others, the blog post was a catharsis for me.....it allowed me to finally wrap my head around why my life has been nothing but one soap opera after another, why I have more drama happen in one week of my life than normally occurs in an entire season of whatever the latest teeny-bopper sitcom is, and why I can still pick myself up and move on through all of it. It was release and acceptance all in one, but in the process of writing that glorious release, something happened....an unexpected epiphany.
As I was typing this line about my mom's bridal set that was stolen...... "Those rings were my inheritance............"......something was stirring under the water's surface....."but they were just rings. Yes, they were extremely valuable financially. Yes, they were even more valuable because of the sentimental element involved. But those rings won't get me into or keep me out of Heaven ".....I could feel that something significant was brewing......".... and that's where God, Christ, and my mom are waiting for me.".......
CLICK! That, boys and girls, was the sound of an anchor catching on something. After I typed that statement, I had to stop for a few minutes. I read it, re-read it, and re-read it again and again - and the more I did so the more secure I felt in my holding. I wasn't drifting anymore. Yeah, Mom was gone, but not forever. Yes, the rogue wave of her passing had rocked me loose from the hold I had on life. But there is another life waiting for me after this one where she's waiting for me, where my dad is waiting for me, where my grandparents are waiting for me, where God is waiting for me, where ALL the people I love who aren't in this world are waiting for me......all I have to do is be patient.....keep on sailing for just a little while longer. That was all this anchor needed - hope for the things that faith tells me are coming in the life after this one. Hope. Faith. These are the rocks to which this anchor clings.
Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. - Hebrews 11:1
You will be secure, because there is hope; you will look about you and take your rest in safety. - Job 11:18
I know there will still be rough times ahead - Christmas, the anniversary of her death, her birthday, etc. - but I think the worst is behind me. I may get rocked loose by rogue waves in the future, but they won't be because of Mom, and learning how to "get a grip" from this one may come in useful when the next wave hits. I just have to remember that this world is transitory. The problems here are temporary, the joys there will be permanent and everlasting. All I have to do is be patient, bide my time, and wait until the day when I am called to my true home with the Emperor Over The Sea.
Until then, Mom....save a place for me.
But the eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love... - Psalm 33:18
Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. - Romans 12:12
..but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. - Isaiah 40:31 NIV
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Dream of Strength
I had a dream last night in which I walked in the dark wilderness alone. The air was cool, the ground scattered with rocks, and the fat conifers around me gave the air a rich, woodsy aroma. After a time I came to a round clearing, in the center of which was a large, roaring campfire. Beside the campfire sat an old Indian woman, aged and weathered a thousand millennia, with wisdom of her years that was almost tangible in the air around her. She looked up from the campfire, her eyes met mine, and she smiled warmly as if she had known me all my life.
She told me to sit next to her. As I sat, her smile faded and she gazed sadly upon me. She said to me sternly, "The weight of the loved ones you've lost lays heavy on your heart. You try to carry their responsibilities - and the responsibilities of others - in addition to your own and it is weighing you down heavily. Free yourself, child. Let them go. No one can bear this burden. Take care of yourself and be free." In the dream I felt a tear escape the corner of my eye and I simply said, "I can't. I must do what I know is right." The old Indian woman looked at me skeptically and said, "You don't have the strength to carry such a burden." I thought for a moment and said, "No, alone I do not, but with the hands of the Great Spirit under theirs, even a small child can support the weight of the world."
She looked at me and smiled the warm smile again that had greeted me before, a smile that by itself made every worry and concern that I had melt away, and the dream was gone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lessons learned from this dream:
#1: Doing the right thing is never easy (that's why it's called sacrifice), but is almost always more rewarding. In the dream I could have chosen to free myself, get up and walk away from all the other responsibilities, but I would have missed that warm smile at the end of the dream. That would have been a shame, for that warm smile was truly rewarding.
#2:
Trials and tribulations require us to lean on God and others, and in
leaning on God and others we have the opportunity to see and feel their
love for us and thus we realize that we are not alone in our struggles
through life - which, if you look at it in this perspective, makes even
bad things/times an opportunity to draw closer to those you love and who
love you.
#4: Bearing these burdens requires faith, and while I may not always feel like my faith is strong enough, somewhere deep in the depths of my heart, I know it is.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Faith Defined
It's easy to talk about how strong your faith is when life is simple. Life is simple when all you have to worry about are the bills to be paid, maintaining relationships, and going to work everyday. It is during these times when you can say that your faith is strong, and it may be, but will it continue to stay strong when life isn't so simple?
A month ago I sat in my cozy little bed in my own home, surrounded by my husband and children, and thought to myself that my faith was strong and secure. I understood things, I saw the reasons for things going on my life, and with understanding came faith and complacency. I look back now and realize that saying your faith is strong when life is simple is like saying the wind is nothing BEFORE the storm has actually hit. Is the wind still nothing when you're standing in the middle of a category 5 hurricane? Is your faith still strong when you're having to stand by and watch someone you love dearly die of a horrible disease while you stand by helpless to do anything but offer comfort?
That is the situation I'm in right now. I'm standing in the middle of the hurricane with the wind about to blow me over. Time and time again, the gusts have come at me and tried to knock me down. As my mother's cancer spreads and her condition worsens I can hear the wind whipping around me. I remember fondly, longingly, my simple life before and realize that it is going to be a long time before I return to that calm pre-storm condition, and when I do it will be without the woman that brought me into this world and made me the person I am today. I think about my faith.....and realize that for the first time I understand what faith really is.
Faith is more than just trusting that God is there in your simple day to day life. Faith means trusting that God is there when day to day life falls apart. Faith means being willing to stand in the storm with no shelter other than God's love while the wind and rain of life try to pummel you into submission. Faith means being willing to walk blindfolded through life without knowing where you're going, how you're going to get there, or why you need to be there in the first place. And that's what I'm doing now...walking blindfolded into the very heart of the storm.
For the first time in my life I understand what it means to have to fully rely on God. I have to rely on Him for shelter from the storm, for the balance to stay upright in the wind, for the strength to remain standing when I'm weighted down with the rain, and for the guidance to see me safely through to the calm on the other side of the storm. It reminds me all over again of the night I gave myself to God.
The night that I was saved, that I officially gave my heart and soul to God, I remember very clearly the story the preacher told that moved me to hand my life over to a greater power. He read from the Bible, Matthew 14:22-31, the story of Jesus walking on the stormy Sea of Galilee and calling out to Peter to join Him on the water. Peter walked to Him on the water, but began to sink when he took his eyes off the Lord. Peter cried out to the Lord to save him, and the Lord took hold of Peter and said, “You of little faith, why did you doubt?” The preacher asked who among us that night had the faith to step out of the safety of the boat, onto the stormy water....and I stood up.
That was a long time ago, but I find myself over the last few days stepping out of the boat again, as though for the first time. Each time I kiss mom good night, not knowing if it's for the last time, I take another step across the water. Each time I hold her as she cries from the pain of the cancer, or from the realization that she's dying, I take another step across the water. And I will continue to take these steps without fear and without understanding, because I know that should I falter the Lord is there to catch me. His hands will be there to raise me up. And that, my friend, is faith.
Faith is not sitting on the shore watching the storm rage across the water and thinking that you could weather it if you had to. Faith is being in the middle of the hurricane, on the stormy sea, and stepping out of the boat.........and KNOWING, not thinking, but KNOWING that you won't sink.
Faith is not governed by reason or understanding. Actually, it's quite the opposite. Faith is trusting in the absence of reason and understanding. I don't understand why my family suffers tragedy after tragedy, not even recovering from one loss before we get hit by another. I don't understand why in less than a ten year span I should have to lose my dad, my grandmother, and my mother. I don't understand why my children have to grow up without their grandmother and lose the opportunity to learn from her experiences as I did with my grandmothers. I don't understand why my step-dad, a man as wonderful and deserving as anyone could be, should finally find his soul mate in my mother only to lose her just three short years later. It's not fair and I don't understand why it has to be this way, but you know what? I'm okay with not understanding. I'm okay with it not being fair. Even as the blindfold is tied behind my head, as I feel the winds of the storm approaching, even as I step out onto the stormy sea, I. HAVE. FAITH.
I'm standing in the storm feeling the shelter of God's love. I'm walking on the stormy water and I know I'm not going to sink. I'm walking blindfolded with no knowledge of where the next step is going to take me or why I need to be there. And I know deep down inside that it's going to be okay. After the fear, and the worry, and the pain, I know that it's all going to be okay.
That, my friend, is faith.
A month ago I sat in my cozy little bed in my own home, surrounded by my husband and children, and thought to myself that my faith was strong and secure. I understood things, I saw the reasons for things going on my life, and with understanding came faith and complacency. I look back now and realize that saying your faith is strong when life is simple is like saying the wind is nothing BEFORE the storm has actually hit. Is the wind still nothing when you're standing in the middle of a category 5 hurricane? Is your faith still strong when you're having to stand by and watch someone you love dearly die of a horrible disease while you stand by helpless to do anything but offer comfort?
That is the situation I'm in right now. I'm standing in the middle of the hurricane with the wind about to blow me over. Time and time again, the gusts have come at me and tried to knock me down. As my mother's cancer spreads and her condition worsens I can hear the wind whipping around me. I remember fondly, longingly, my simple life before and realize that it is going to be a long time before I return to that calm pre-storm condition, and when I do it will be without the woman that brought me into this world and made me the person I am today. I think about my faith.....and realize that for the first time I understand what faith really is.
Faith is more than just trusting that God is there in your simple day to day life. Faith means trusting that God is there when day to day life falls apart. Faith means being willing to stand in the storm with no shelter other than God's love while the wind and rain of life try to pummel you into submission. Faith means being willing to walk blindfolded through life without knowing where you're going, how you're going to get there, or why you need to be there in the first place. And that's what I'm doing now...walking blindfolded into the very heart of the storm.
For the first time in my life I understand what it means to have to fully rely on God. I have to rely on Him for shelter from the storm, for the balance to stay upright in the wind, for the strength to remain standing when I'm weighted down with the rain, and for the guidance to see me safely through to the calm on the other side of the storm. It reminds me all over again of the night I gave myself to God.
The night that I was saved, that I officially gave my heart and soul to God, I remember very clearly the story the preacher told that moved me to hand my life over to a greater power. He read from the Bible, Matthew 14:22-31, the story of Jesus walking on the stormy Sea of Galilee and calling out to Peter to join Him on the water. Peter walked to Him on the water, but began to sink when he took his eyes off the Lord. Peter cried out to the Lord to save him, and the Lord took hold of Peter and said, “You of little faith, why did you doubt?” The preacher asked who among us that night had the faith to step out of the safety of the boat, onto the stormy water....and I stood up.
That was a long time ago, but I find myself over the last few days stepping out of the boat again, as though for the first time. Each time I kiss mom good night, not knowing if it's for the last time, I take another step across the water. Each time I hold her as she cries from the pain of the cancer, or from the realization that she's dying, I take another step across the water. And I will continue to take these steps without fear and without understanding, because I know that should I falter the Lord is there to catch me. His hands will be there to raise me up. And that, my friend, is faith.
Faith is not sitting on the shore watching the storm rage across the water and thinking that you could weather it if you had to. Faith is being in the middle of the hurricane, on the stormy sea, and stepping out of the boat.........and KNOWING, not thinking, but KNOWING that you won't sink.
Faith is not governed by reason or understanding. Actually, it's quite the opposite. Faith is trusting in the absence of reason and understanding. I don't understand why my family suffers tragedy after tragedy, not even recovering from one loss before we get hit by another. I don't understand why in less than a ten year span I should have to lose my dad, my grandmother, and my mother. I don't understand why my children have to grow up without their grandmother and lose the opportunity to learn from her experiences as I did with my grandmothers. I don't understand why my step-dad, a man as wonderful and deserving as anyone could be, should finally find his soul mate in my mother only to lose her just three short years later. It's not fair and I don't understand why it has to be this way, but you know what? I'm okay with not understanding. I'm okay with it not being fair. Even as the blindfold is tied behind my head, as I feel the winds of the storm approaching, even as I step out onto the stormy sea, I. HAVE. FAITH.
I'm standing in the storm feeling the shelter of God's love. I'm walking on the stormy water and I know I'm not going to sink. I'm walking blindfolded with no knowledge of where the next step is going to take me or why I need to be there. And I know deep down inside that it's going to be okay. After the fear, and the worry, and the pain, I know that it's all going to be okay.
That, my friend, is faith.
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