Friday, February 24, 2012

Angels and demons and drama - OH MY!!

It wasn't long ago that I posted a blog titled "Being a lighthouse for God" in which I described how being a beacon for others to find God also makes it easy for God's enemies to find me. At the close of the blog I made a statement that there was nothing Satan could do that would make me extinguish the flame that God has lit inside of me. Satan, it appears, was listening and is trying his best to prove me wrong. It started with an incident that chilled me to the bone.....

I have physical therapy once a week to try to fix a misaligned jaw bone. I was trying desperately to get to my physical therapy appointment a couple of weeks ago, but it seemed like everything that could go wrong did. While I was trying to get ready to leave the house, my toddler wrapped around my legs and begged me not to go. This was odd because he is very independent and had never done this before. I couldn't find my car keys. Then I couldn't find my cell phone. What normally takes me 15 minutes to accomplish and get out of the house took me an hour. I left the house at the time I should have been getting to my therapist's office. At the stop sign at the end of my street (which almost NEVER has any traffic) a truck was stalled in the middle of the road, in a position so that I couldn't get around him to either side. I waited...and waited...and waited...and finally the truck was pushed out of the road by the owner and his friend. I quickly proceeded through my subdivision and out to the main road....only to find a semi-truck and trailer blocking both lanes of traffic while it tried to back into a store's parking lot. Again, I waited....and waited....and waited....and waited. I looked at the clock. My appointment was for half an hour ago. I called my husband and told him about the challenges I'd encountered and told him that I was feeling very strongly as though I wasn't supposed to go to the appointment. He agreed with me and said it seemed as though Somebody was telling me to stay home. I called my therapist and re-scheduled and then turned around to go back home. As I turned onto the empty street that had earlier been blocked by a stalled truck, my house was in sight ahead of me and around the bend. The wind blew, swirling the leaves across the street, and to my utter astonishment I saw the shadow of a stooped person among the leaves. It was was coming from the direction of my yard, moving quickly across the road, and vanished as soon as the leaves that helped conceal it touched the grass of the lawn across from mine. I stopped my car in the middle of the road. What had I just seen? I played the scene over and over again in my mind, and each time I saw the mental image of that stooped shadowy figure a chill ran down my spine. While I have never personally seen a demon, the chill in my spine and the knot in my stomach made me think I may have just seen my first. I suddenly felt as though I was going to vomit. I closed my eyes and asked God to protect me and my family, to safeguard our home, hearts and minds. I got home with no further incidence and within a couple of days had put the strange encounter out of my mind.

And that's when it began to happen. Hell gradually broke out around me. People I loved and depended on were suddenly acting mean and angry towards me. Drama ensued almost daily in the forms of nasty emails and angry text messages. It was discovered that one relative was involved with drugs. A different relative was arrested for the crimes of his friend. And when it wasn't angry drama, it was sad drama. An elderly relative died, and a freak workshop accident removed two of yet another relative's fingers - one of which was able to be re-attached and the other I was <insert sarcastic tone here> fortunate enough to find while cleaning the workshop. And the nightmares...my once deep-slumber was now constantly interrupted by nightmares so that I rarely get a decent night's sleep. All of this within the time span of a couple of weeks.

Sleep-deprived and depressed, the bitterness welled up inside of me. I was angry. The world I lived in and that those I love lived in was a horrible, horrible place that I did not ever see changing.

While cooking dinner one night I decided to turn on my kitchen radio. All of my radios are always tuned to the KLOVE Christian radio station and as I reached for the power button I said a quick prayer asking God to speak to me and guide me. The song that was playing when I turned the radio on was "Shine" by Newsboys. I listened to the song's upbeat lyrics about letting your light shine and being an inspiration to others. I remembered my blog about being a lighthouse for God and suddenly I felt as though the song was mocking me. I asked God out loud, "I'm trying. I'm doing the best I can. Why has the world all of a sudden turned against me? What happened?" The song ended and a new song began. "Cry out to Jesus" by Third Day. The words seemed louder than the music, as if they were being shouted inside my head.

And to all of the people with burdens and pains
Keeping you back from your life
You believe that there's nothing and there is no one
Who can make it right

There is hope for the helpless

Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus
 I put my head down on my kitchen counter, feeling the anger and bitterness inside of me crumbling, leaving behind an ache for someone to just hold me and tell me everything was going to be okay.  So I prayed...."Lord, I'm sorry.....I'm not strong enough. Please help me. I need your support and your guidance to get me through this. I can't do this without you. I don't know what's happening, but I fear this battle is more than just the struggles of this world." In my mind I pictured the shadowy figure in the street, and felt certain that it was indeed a demon that I'd seen leaving my yard. Satan had sent his demons into my life to break me for my boastful promise of never extinguishing the light that God gave me so that I could guide others to Him. I bowed my head in prayer again. "Lord, there are demons at work in my life. Please help me, Lord. Send your angels to protect those I love. Guard their hearts and their minds from Satan's twisted ways, Lord,  and bring peace. Continue to give me strength, mercy, grace, and guidance so that I may battle these demons in your holy name, Lord. Please. I need you. I'm crying out to you."

As I raised my head from prayer I still had my eyes closed, and I sensed movement in the room with me. It felt as though there was a scuffle of many people around me...not a pleasant "hustle and bustle" type of scuffle that comes with people moving quickly, but the type of scuffle of people being shoved aside and wrestled out of a room. I felt a breeze as though someone moved by me quickly. For a moment I was terrified to open my eyes. "God be with me" I mumbled as I slowly opened my eyes....only to find that I was alone in my kitchen. Something had changed, though. I no longer felt alone. The burdens of my heart now felt shared, as though there were many dividing the weight of the them. Hope. For the first time in weeks I felt hope.

Strange things began to happen in my world. The gray areas of drama that had been causing me so much pain and heartache suddenly became black and white. I was able to clearly see who or what the problem was and I was able to brace my heart against the drama so that it didn't eat at me from the inside out. Life was still filled with drama, but it seemed as though all the drama was filtered before it got to me and it no longer weighed on my heart as it once did. That wasn't the only thing, though...

As my husband was on his way to bed one night he had just left the room I was in and glanced over his shoulder at me as he was walking down the hallway. He stopped suddenly and turned to look. He came back into the room where I was, looking quite alarmed, and said that he had seen the shadow of a man near where I was. I stared at him. He quickly said that he was probably just overly tired and he went on to bed. Others have seen and felt them, though - shadows under the doors, a quick sight of someone standing over your shoulder, a breeze as though someone is walking past. We are no longer alone. We are being guarded and protected. Even the nightmares have changed. Where before they would wake me in terror, usually in a cold sweat and afraid to go back to sleep, now I wake before the dream gets bad. I'm still not getting the full night's sleep that I would really like to get back to, but most of the time now I'm able to roll over and eventually get back to sleep. My life may not be back to normal yet, but I have peace in the knowledge that I'm not fighting my demons alone.

If you had asked me a month ago if I believed in demons, I would have said yes, but they are found in places where evil has taken place, haunting sites of death and destruction. A month ago if I had read the post that I just wrote I would have assumed the author was crazy. Now, I will tell you quickly that demons can be anywhere. They are the stooped-over shadows that swirl past in the leaves, the boogeymen that lurk in our nightmares, and the hatred and bitterness that hardens our hearts. But there are angels, too. Upright shadows that stand guard around you, that scuffle demons away from you, and that comfort you when the demons leave you weary and tired. All one has to do is cry out to God, and the help will be there. The demons, the angels, ourselves....we are all soldiers in an invisible battle taking place inside of us, in the world around us, and in the hearts and minds of others everywhere. Being a soldier for God means you have to trust Him enough to cry out to Him when the battle becomes too much for you.

If you're fighting your own demons, hang in there. Cry out to the Lord and know that help is coming. Reinforcements are coming so that you can continue to fight, to be a lighthouse in the storm. Love, hope, comfort, and peace...these are the supplies that His angels bring with them to refuel the lighthouse when it flickers and dims. Keep shining....fuel is on the way.

Isaiah 41:10  fear not, for I am with you;  be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you,  I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

1 Peter 4:11  whoever speaks, as one who speaks oracles of God; whoever serves, as one who serves by the strength that God supplies—in order that in everything God may be glorified through Jesus Christ. To him belong glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen.

Ephesians 6:12-18
 12 For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.

13 Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.


14 Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness;


15 And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace;


16 Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked.


17 And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God:


18 Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints;


Monday, February 13, 2012

Saying "I'm sorry" shouldn't be a sin....

I went to the store this evening with the intention of getting my beloved a card. I had done something careless which had caused an unintentional slight and wanted him to know that I was sorry. As I went down one aisle and then another, I became incredulous at what I saw. There was line after line after line of birthday cards, anniversary cards, get well cards, 'thinking about you' cards, but nowhere...NOWHERE...could I find a card that simply said "I'm sorry".  I went back through the aisles again. Could this be possible? Could I truly be the only person in America that screws up? Ummmm....no.

So then why weren't there any apology cards to be found? There were cards for "troubled relationships"...that didn't really apply. These cards were aimed at salvaging broken relationships and I hadn't screwed up that badly, though not for a lack of trying (inadvertently, of course). There were cards there for "difficult times", but all of those were about loss of a job. Where were the apology cards?

As I left the store, the situation with the card really started to bother me. I felt that there was something deeper to this nagging feeling than knowing I had to find some other way to apologize to my sweetheart. Why wouldn't there be any cards for this? People screw up all the time...we're human, that's what we do - we screw up, and then we learn from our mistakes and move on as a better and wiser individual. The questions led me down a path to a place of logic that I didn't like, but couldn't deny. There were no apology cards because people don't say "I'm sorry" anymore. And it goes deeper than that...people don't WANT to say "I'm sorry".

But why? My mind worked backwards to try to trace this anti-apology mindset to its origin. Why wouldn't people want to say I'm sorry? Well, in today's world of "one-up"manship, people who make mistakes are thought to be undesirable, faulty, and overall bad people. They're "screw-ups". Society today looks for perfection. It's a sin to be flawed and make a mistake. Therefore, what do we do when we make a mistake?  "The computer crashed because it didn't have a hip enough processor." No, you forgot to update your antivirus definitions and downloaded something you weren't supposed, thereby exposing your hard drive to a virus which NUKED it. You screwed up. "The engine over heated because it's a cheap foreign piece of junk! They don't make them like they used to." Forgot to check the oil again, didn't you? You screwed up. "I sent that report to you yesterday. Didn't you get it? Did the servers lose another one of my files?" No, you never sent the report because you got busy checking your Facebook, Tumblr, and playing Farmville and forgot that the report was due. You screwed up.

People today don't want to be viewed as less desirable, don't want to face the consequences, and therefore take whatever out they can find. Regardless of what they blame it on, they never have to take responsibility for their actions and they never have to say they're sorry.

I remember when part of becoming an adult was being able to take responsibility for your actions. Now, is it any wonder crime rates are so high? Is it any wonder the divorce rate is so high? Kids are being raised to believe that they don't have to take responsibility for their actions. Why do they think this? Because they learn from example, and the adults of today's society don't take responsibility for their actions either.

Well, guess what? I'm not that person. I screw up...on a daily basis most of the time. Why? BECAUSE I'M HUMAN!!! God didn't want perfection or He would have had competition. Does screwing up make me any less of a person? No. In fact, it makes me a better person because I recognize that I've screwed up and I learn what NOT to do next time. Making mistakes is not a sin, it's an opportunity to grow and learn.  Until we once again are willing to own up to our mistakes, then we as a society, as a race, as a species, can not grow. We will remain stuck in a loop of self-righteousness and conceit, eventually becoming stagnant and bringing about our own demise.

Like I said before, I'm not that person. I know I screw up and I'm not ashamed to admit it. Sometimes I might be a bit sheepish about it because I did something really stupid, but when it comes to hurting someone I love you better believe I'm going to own up to it if for no other reason than so that I can try to fix the situation. That being said, let me say this to the entire internet and to the one whom it truly matters...I screwed up. I stepped on toes, betrayed trust, and hurt feelings....and I'M SORRY. I didn't mean to do it, and I hope you'll forgive me.

And to everybody, I ask you this...are you as unwilling to say "I'm sorry" to God as you are to your fellow man? While I understand that God is far less judgmental, saying you're sorry for your sins is just as important as saying you're sorry to those you love and who love you. If I were you, I'd start practicing your apologies, because we never know when that final and ultimate apology may be needed.



Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working. - James 5:16 ESV

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.- 1 Corinthian 13:4-7 ESV