Being a lighthouse for God

Being a lighthouse for God - part 1: God lit the flame

I sit down to write this blog after a long night of filling out police reports accompanied by much wailing and weeping. After just losing my mom to cancer this past January, last night her wedding jewelery was stolen out of my home. This blog came to me while I was sitting at the breakfast table asking myself why such horrible things always seem to happen to me and my family. I seem to be a magnet for all things bad, which I don't understand because I try so hard to be a good Christian...and it occurred to me that I am a magnet for evil because I'm a beacon for God. But why me?

When I was 4 years old, my parents learned that both of my kidneys were in the process of failing. I needed a kidney transplant or I was going to die. My family didn't have medical insurance for dialysis or in-home care, so every day my mother took me to Hope Haven Children's Hospital for treatment. I remember being sent to playrooms while the doctors would talk to my mom, and how she always looked so stressed afterwards. I was put on a transplant waiting list. Every day - back to the hospital for more treatment. Needles, blood work, x-rays.....it never seemed to end.

I remember when my parents told my Grandma Coppage my doomed fate. Being my parents' only daughter and the baby, I enjoyed the role of being a somewhat favored child. Yes, I openly admit to being spoiled. I was also very obedient and was very devoted to my parents and grandparents, which I guess made me endearing. Anyway, my parents were obviously distraught when they told Grandma of my medical predicament, and she cried for a few minutes.  But then she did something that I've only ever seen Grandma do. She pulled herself together, smiled at my parents, patted their hands, and told them not to worry because God would take care of this. I have only ever seen Grandma be able to completely and wholeheartedly turn things over to God the way she did. Complete and total faith. That woman was an angel walking among us.

Grandma arranged for a special prayer meeting to be held at her church and everyone in our small-town community came.  I remember this because it scared me half out of my wits. Grandma told me very simply to sit quietly and to try to stay still because all of these people were going to be thinking good thoughts about me to God to try to make me better. All I knew was that a whole bunch of strangers were crowded around me, some of them putting their hands on my head or my arms, and I was EXTREMELY uncomfortable. After the prayer service, I received many hugs and Grandma was made to promise everyone how my treatments progressed. I complained to Grandma on the way home that I didn't feel any different. Grandma just laughed and said to be patient, God works in His time, not ours.

At my hospital visit the next day, my mom and I were there twice as long. I wasn't scheduled for x-rays that day but I got them anyway - emergency x-rays. At first they wouldn't tell my mom what was going on. They talked about hospitalizing me for 'observation'. Finally my mom demanded to be told what exactly was happening. The doctors sat my mom down and told her that my kidneys were working PERFECTLY! My mom almost started crying, but she wasn't the crying type so she quickly got a handle on that and asked why this was alarming and not good news.The doctors explained that they were concerned that it might be an indicator that my kidneys were imminently about to fail and this sudden, flawless functioning could be sort of their last "hoorah", kind of like a hospice patient's burst of energy right before the end. My mom became very serious and asked what could be done for me in the hospital if my kidneys failed. The doctor took a deep breath and said quietly that they could make me more comfortable and could put me on machines until all of the family could gather. My mom squared her shoulders, took a deep breath, and said, "If she's going to go, she's going to go at home with me and her father beside her." The doctor nodded, scheduled our appointment for earlier than normal the next day, and we left. That night I got whatever I wanted. My mom and I stopped for Krystal burgers and fries on the way home and I fed some (most) of my fries to the pigeons. Looking back now I remember that mom watched me as though she was acid-etching every move I made into her memory, as though those memories would be the last she had of me. I wonder if it's the same look I had on my face when I helped care for her as she was dying of cancer.....but I digress. We had fried chicken and mashed potatoes for dinner that night - my favorite. I got to see all of my grandparents. Even my brothers were nice to me. It was like Christmas! My Grandma Coppage kept telling my parents not to worry. "God has special plans for that child." she kept telling them. When I finally fell asleep that night it was with my entire family, parents and brothers and grandparents alike, around me.

I awoke to a mood that can only be described as frantically hopeful. My mom couldn't get me to the hospital fast enough for my appointment. The doctors were equally frantic. There would be no waiting today. I was immediately whisked back for testing and it was a repeat of the day before - test after test after test- all with the same results. My kidneys had begun to function perfectly and normally on their own with no obvious explanation. The doctors were  mystified. Just to be on the safe side, though, they had me come back every day for a month and then intermittently for several more months. To this day, I have had no further problems with my kidneys and I'm almost 36 years old now.

So what happened that night during the prayer service? Was it a fluke? Was it chance? Or was it a miracle? I'll tell you what happened....God lit a flame.


Being a lighthouse for God - part 2: a beacon for all things, good or evil

I feel like God put His hand on me that night and said, "Go, child, into the world and shine with all of My goodness so that others will see and open their hearts to Me." And by healing me it was like He put a mark on my forehead that said "product of God", or perhaps even "future soldier for God". He made me a sign of His awesome power and mercy and a beacon to others. And I love this. I love knowing that I have the opportunity to help others find God and get to know Christ on a more personal level. I love being a beacon of light for Him. But you know what? If the good can find me then so can the bad. In the battle of good versus evil, what am I doing? I'm pinging the enemy's sonar, saying "Here I am!!"

By shining God 's light into the world I am a beacon to others, for good or for bad.  A wise priest once told me that the people who have the most difficulty in their lives are the ones trying the hardest to do God's Will, because those are the people that Satan is fighting the hardest against. Translate that to the topic of this blog....the brighter your light shines, the more evil will find you. As a member of God's army I've got a target painted right on my forehead.

So what do you do? Do you turn out the light? Let any ships in the harbor run aground on the rocks? Continue shining and pray for more fuel?

I turned to the Lighthouse Keepers' Guidebook (aka the Bible) and looked for a verse that might get me through this tough time. The Book of Isaiah came through - chapter 41, verse 10:

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (NIV)

 And God does work miracles, even if they're not the answers that we want. He does hold us up, and He comforts us in ways that may seem simple and trite to others and could easily go unnoticed. As I was double-checking my chapter and verse for the Book of Isaiah quote above, the web page I was on had a link at the bottom that said "Bible verses for those coping with loss". Seeing as how this entire blog came about as a result of the loss of my mother's jewelry, and the fact that I'm currently having trouble coping with her death, I clicked on the link. This is what I found:

"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those who are crushed in spirit."
Psalm 34:18 (NLT)

This was the first verse on the page. This brought me peace. The next verse just about brought me to my knees.....

"The unfailing love of the LORD never ends! By his mercies we have been kept from complete destruction. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each day. I say to myself, 'The LORD is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!'"
Lamentations 3:22-24  (NLT)

"The Lord is my inheritance..."......


Being a lighthouse for God - part 3: My inheritance

Those rings were my inheritance............but they were just rings. Yes, they were extremely valuable financially. Yes, they were even more valuable because of the sentimental element involved. But those rings won't get me into or keep me out of Heaven - and that's where God, Christ, and my mom are waiting for me.

Why am I sweating over the rings when one day I'll be back with the person who used to wear them?  It's not like I can take them with me. Does it still make me angry that they were stolen? You better believe it. Do I still think very un-Christian-like thoughts about the person who took them? Ohhhh yeah! Do I still miss them? So much it makes me sick to my stomach. But in the bigger picture of things, I'm realizing that they were merely items I'd clung to because of the connection they held to my mom. What I need to hold onto now  is the knowledge that I inherited the Lord and I need no greater connection than that.......mom is with Him and one day, when it is my time, I will be too. Then, all of these trinkets and baubles I've kept to remember her by will be unnecessary and meaningless. The Lord is my inheritance, and with Him comes rewards greater than any jewel this world can offer.

The light that God lit in me may have been flickering yesterday, but it's shining now and getting brighter. Satan can send his army all he wants. This little light of mine, I'm going to let it shine.....and it's going to shine as bright as it can. My light may flicker, and it may dim occasionally as I deal with Satan's forces, but there is nothing that Satan can do to me or take from me that will make me turn out the light that God lit. I will be a lighthouse for God, showing others the wonders of God's power and mercy, and hopefully leading them out of the darkness, for as long as I live. Because no matter what Satan does to me, he can't take away the inheritance that my Father has already given me.

Anchors and Dinghies

 Part 1: When achors are rocked loose
There are many analogies that have been used to describe life and people. When one thinks of a life analogy the first thing that comes to the minds of many is the famous "Life is like a box of chocolates...." from Forrest Gump. Truth is though, analogies help us to better understand and grasp the things that are going on around us and in our lives. It helps us to come to terms with things we may not want to deal with, or may not know how to cope with.

After my mom died last January, I knew eventually my step-dad would start dating and I was going to have to be prepared to explain this to my three children. My biological dad died when two of my kids were young, before the third was even thought of, so my step-dad is the only grandfather they've really known. I wasn't sure how to explain to them my step-dad's need to find a companion, since I wasn't sure they would fully understand the concept of loneliness. This is what I told them:

"There are two types of people in the world - there are anchors and then there are dinghies." And this is where I paused for them to stop laughing. "Do you know what a dinghy is, really? A dinghy is a small boat with no anchor that gets towed along behind a larger boat that has an anchor." The kids nodded and said they got that part, but didn't see how it applied to people.

"People who are anchors are okay living by themselves and can make it just fine on their own. Being with someone is a choice, not a necessity. They can make it through life holding their own in the sea of life and stay on course. But then you have people who are dinghies. Without an anchor, dinghies will drift astray and can't really find a sense of purpose or direction. Dinghies have to have an anchor or they'll get lost in the world."

There was a brief pause and then my oldest son said, "So, Grandpa's a dinghy?" to which everyone laughed and the subject was changed. It was clear they understood the message and that was the goal of the conversation so the topic was closed, or so I thought. Several months later this analogy came up again and this time stuck in my mind with the echo of a question. I was telling the analogy to a friend who, after learning about my step-dad's new relationship, asked me why it seemed so easy for him to move on while I was still having so much trouble coping with my mother's passing. I told her the "anchor and dinghy" analogy and summed it up with "he's a dinghy" and thought that was it. But a question began forming in the back of my mind....what happens when anchors are rocked loose?

 Part 2: Getting a grip
Anchors are supposed to dig into the sand and hold you in place, they keep you from wandering and drifting, and more than anything they secure you. People who are anchors do this for themselves and for those around them. But sometimes, anchors are set adrift....they come loose...knocked unsteady by a strong wave or an underwater current.

As I thought about this I realized that this was me....I was an anchor who had been knocked loose by the rogue wave of my mother's death. I was drifting and couldn't find my grasp on life no matter how hard I tried. I was raking along the bottom of the ocean floor, unable to grab onto anything to hold myself into place. I tried to anchor myself onto the anchors in my life, but this started to pull them adrift with me. This, sadly, created a ripple effect. All of the "dinghies" in my life were suddenly unsettled and also started to drift. The anchors closest to me became unsettled and their hold on the sea floor became tenuous. The seas of life became choppy and the horizon appeared bleak. Something had to change. But what? How?

Now, this is where the more fundamental Christian would say "let Jesus be your anchor!" I'm sorry, this is a great thought, and my faith is there, but in practical application this is easier said than done. I knew the answers to my questions were going to require time, patience, soul-searching, and faith......a perfect storm of positivity to counter the rogue wave that had set me adrift in the first place.

I know God often works in mysterious ways, but my answers came in a most unexpected manner - another loss. Not long after writing the material above (like, within a couple of weeks), my mother's jewelry was stolen by a contractor doing work in my home. I was devastated, and even posted as my Facebook status that it was as though Mom was being ripped away from me all over again. The night I found her wedding rings missing I hit rock bottom...my ship crashed on the sharp rocks of the craggy coastline. If I was adrift before, I was spiraling down a whirlpool into an abyss that night. All I could think was, "I'm sorry, Mom....I'm so sorry." I felt like I'd let her down. My step-dad called me to tell me that it was okay, not to be upset, but I didn't take his call. My husband tried to comfort me, my daughter tried to comfort me, the police assured me that they would do everything they could to get her jewelry back, but I was inconsolable. I went to bed that night begging for sleep to take me quickly. I wanted darkness, numbness, an escape from the blanket of pain that was threatening to suffocate me.

 I woke up the next morning angry. I wanted to burn down the world and spit in the ashes.  Over breakfast that morning, I thought about how bad things kept happening to me and wondering why. The resulting blog, Being a Lighthouse for God, talked about how I seemed to be a magnet for drama and evil because I'm a Christian....I let God's light shine through me and evil seeks me like a moth to a flame. I am stalked by evil not because I'm a bad person, on the contrary, because I'm such a good person. While (hopefully) being a message to others, the blog post was a catharsis for me.....it allowed me to finally wrap my head around why my life has been nothing but one soap opera after another, why I have more drama happen in one week of my life than normally occurs in an entire season of whatever the latest teeny-bopper sitcom is, and why I can still pick myself up and move on through all of it. It was release and acceptance all in one, but in the process of writing that glorious release, something happened....an unexpected epiphany.

 As I was typing this line about my mom's bridal set that was stolen...... "Those rings were my inheritance............"......something was stirring under the water's surface....."but they were just rings. Yes, they were extremely valuable financially. Yes, they were even more valuable because of the sentimental element involved. But those rings won't get me into or keep me out of Heaven ".....I could feel that something significant was brewing......".... and that's where God, Christ, and my mom are waiting for me.".......

CLICK! That, boys and girls, was the sound of an anchor catching on something. After I typed that statement, I had to stop for a few minutes. I read it, re-read it, and re-read it again and again -  and the more I did so the more secure I felt in my holding. I wasn't drifting anymore. Yeah, Mom was gone, but not forever. Yes, the rogue wave of her passing had rocked me loose from the hold I had on life. But there is another life waiting for me after this one where she's waiting for me, where my dad is waiting for me, where my grandparents are waiting for me, where God is waiting for me, where ALL the people I love who aren't in this world are waiting for me......all I have to do is be patient.....keep on sailing for just a little while longer. That was all this anchor needed - hope for the things that faith tells me are coming in the life after this one. Hope. Faith. These are the rocks to which  this anchor clings. 

  

Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. -  Hebrews 11:1

You will be secure, because there is hope; you will look about you and take your rest in safety. - Job 11:18

I'm not drifting anymore. My "dinghies" are secure. And, somehow, for the first time since she died I feel close to Mom again, almost as though she were here with me.

I know there will still be rough times ahead - Christmas, the anniversary of her death, her birthday, etc. - but I think the worst is behind me. I may get rocked loose by rogue waves in the future, but they won't be because of Mom, and learning how to "get a grip" from this one may come in useful when the next wave hits. I just have to remember that this world is transitory. The problems here are temporary, the joys there will be permanent and everlasting. All I have to do is be patient, bide my time, and wait until the day when I am called to my true home with the Emperor Over The Sea.

Until then, Mom....save a place for me.



But the eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love... - Psalm 33:18 

Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. - Romans 12:12

..but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. - Isaiah 40:31 NIV